Me on my wedding day
  • I always thought love was stupid and for losers..and then I met you.

Permalink

my roommate’s boyfriend is always lurking around our apartment leaving me to have to do inconvenient things like put on pants. 


Permalink
I want to be fat

Iv’e been thinking a lot lately about my issues with perfection. I have always felt like I need to be perfect: the perfect Christian, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect employee etc. But I realized today, and have been realizing a lot lately….FUCK. THAT. I mean honestly it’s exhausting. I have been trying to be perfect everything since I can remember and have I gotten ANY closer to my goal than when I started? NO. If anything Iv’e gotten so off coarse I wouldn’t even know whether or not to go left or right. I remember I would come home from school back in high school and literally feel my face drop and relax. That meant all damn day I was squeezing the happy expression out of my fucking pores so no one knew just how messed up I really was. Now I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of trying to pretend like I’m okay, it’s stupid. Why do we as people feel this pressure to convince everyone just how perfectly perfect we are? Why do we even bother to ask the stupid ass question ‘how are you?”. We already know the answer: “fine” *forced smile*. When is the last time you have had someone reply by saying “Oh just fucked up having suicidal thoughts every day, you?” *forced smile*. But that SHOULD be okay? Why isn’t it? It’s what’s real, it’s what’s human.

I love hanging around people that look sad and do bad things and don’t have their shit together. Why? Because for a second, one millisecond I can pry my perfect mask off, take a deep breath and remember that being fucked up is just a part of the human experience. Now I’m proud to be fucked up. And no, I’m NOT going to smile, or look happy until I really FEEL happy, and no I’m NOT going to hang out if I don’t want to, and no I’m NOT going to make the deans list if I suck balls at school, I’m NOT going to settle down and get married any time soon.  It’s a miracle if I can just drag myself out of bed in the morning.

I’m tired of trying to pretend to be perfect. I experience all the realms of emotions just like every other human being and I don’t want to feel like I need to hide the greater half of them anymore

and yes I DO like eating, a lot. And I don’t care if it will make me fat or give me pudge. I think, especially girls, need to be reminded that no one is perfect, so why do we pretend to be?

One of my favorite quotes is from The Silver Linings Playbook by Tiffany,

"I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?"

I was, am and will always be a big fuck up, fucking things up in my life and others one day at a time, but I can finally say I don’t really care anymore, I’m doing my best and right now, I don’t want people to expect any more of me. 


Permalink

He kissed me in the dark and when I started crying and told him I needed to cut myself he held me close and made us go walking and instead of cutting myself we laughed and sat by the pool. I hate his loud snoring, and he hates how insensitive I am. But now that he’s gone, I realize I should have held on tighter, I should have tried harder to convince him to stay. I don’t know the difference between being in love and wanting to be loved but he slept on the floor and if I got lonely I moved down next to him and wrapped my arms around the pink duvet that cocooned his body. If I was lonely on the bed I asked him to lye next to me and my favorite thing to do was see how close I could push my body against his. He had an unfamiliar smell that lingered around the room that would take some getting used to but I didn’t get enough time to. Now his smell is gone and replaced with the three glade plug-ins I put in the walls to make sure it would smell good before he came. I miss our awkward kisses and they way we tried to be passionate, I miss making him put my lotion on for me, and scrub my back in the shower, I wonder if he would be willing to do these things forever with me, or, like with most loves, eventually it would become a burden. It was nice, it was beautiful, and it made the sunshine more noticeable through the cracked blinds of my window. For eight days I stopped seeing in the dark. Now that he’s gone, I feel the dark cloud coming, I only wish this time I could stay on it, and have it take me across the oceans and fields, right to his bedside. 


Permalink

1. When your friends ask you to hangout, and you don’t feel like it, don’t go. Don’t ever do things halfway or do something that makes you uncomfortable. With everything, give all of yourself, even the pieces you never knew existed.

2. It is okay to not know. Everyone always despises the phrase, “I don’t know” but no one tells you that it is okay to not know. The becoming is more important than the being, anyways.

3. If someone ever makes you feel less, in any way, you have every right to walk away. You have every right to cut out toxic people in your life. To close the door on people who make you feel bad about who you are or what you stand for. Friends don’t tear down, they build up.

4. Loss is always going to happen. Just like paint will always chip and rain will always fall, loss will always be part of life. No matter how much I don’t like it, or avoid it, it is going to walk my way at several times in my life. Learn to embrace it and learn to get closure.

5. Give yourself a chance. Stop saying, “I don’t think I can” or “But what if I am not able to?” and give yourself a chance. This may be cliche, but try to believe in yourself. When you get older, your knees won’t work the same and you won’t have the best memory, and you are going to wish you’d given yourself a chance years sooner.

6. Fall in love. Don’t be guarded before you fall in love. You could fall in love three times and still not find the right one, but none of it is going to make “the one” matter less. Don’t fall into that idea that your first love has to be your best love. Fall in love as many times as it naturally happens.

7. Firsts are going to be messy. First loves, first kisses, first dates, first failed tests, first college class, first time you drive a car, first time you ride a plane - first times were made to be imperfect. Just because it’s messy and all over the place, doesn’t mean it can’t be good or worthwhile.

8. You want another scoop of ice-cream? Go get it. Get three more scoops of ice-cream if that is what you want. “Fat” is not the opposite of beautiful and it is not the opposite of happy. Don’t let anyone tell you that your body type isn’t beautiful. Beauty is a social construct, create your own, become your own.

9. Let yourself be alone. Loneliness is not a bad thing. It is healthy and normal. Everyone needs to spend a good portion of their life alone. We learn who we are when we are alone; life is less crowded and more clear when we are alone.

10. If you aren’t happy where you are, change it. Quit your job, move, become a vegetarian, get a new hobby, pick up an old hobby, whatever you do - make sure it benefits you. Life is too short to not be alive, to not be passionate, and overflowing.


Amanda Helm  (via exoticwild)

I rarely reblog on this page but this is one of my favorite things Iv’e seen on tumblr and every time I read it it speaks to me more and more. 


Permalink

He left and I feel like I’m slowly dying.


Permalink

yay he’s finally here! <3


Permalink

Yay today is the day. The day my boyfriend whom I met on tumblr in August is visiting. I pick him up in aprox. four hours and it’s safe to say I’m panicking. I just went from calmly laying in my bed feeling like I’m going to black out to hysterically crying due to nerves. It doesn’t help that I’m on my period and it’s got me feeling so bad…why mother nature?! Hopefully I won’t faint in the airport when I see him.


Permalink

I can do better

and I will.


Permalink

I can’t write with all these worries upon worries upon worries.


Permalink
Beautiful Boys

I’m not that much of a romantic anymore if anything I’m pretty sure romance is dead. I don’t believe in cute boys anymore. Ever since I found out the reality of what cute boys are. The reality that most are awful. I used to dream of kissing cute boys and them telling me they thought I was beautiful. Now I know those words don’t even play on the tips of their tongue and to get it you have to pry it out with sharp edged pliers. I’m just “not up for that”. I had a conversation with the cute boy that rides his bike. We talked about beaches and plans and random stuff that makes me boring. All I wanted was a conversation. I don’t want you to stick your fingers down my panties. I want to just look at you. For me that would be enough to make my thighs quiver and my fingers tremble. I just want to look at the easy way your lips move, I mean they are actually existent, and your teeth are perfectly white and I’m pretty sure you get them whitened professionally like a douche bag. But you don’t have a douche bag smile, or douche bag eyes. you even kind of sort of asked me to lay out by the pool with you. I said maybe but I knew I wouldn’t go. Beautiful boys only like pretty girls, beautiful boys don’t just want your conversation. You”re an asshole already because you’re beautiful. But I want to keep talking, to see if you will prove me wrong.  I really don’t want to kiss you, though you’re a beautiful boy. I know my lips don’t have much experience and I would embarrass myself. If you tried to touch me I would flinch away. Beautiful boys fingers only belong on the skin of beautiful girls. But I made you laugh, and that was pretty cool. I made you smile, even though I’m not a beautiful girl. And you even maybe sort of invited me to lay out by the pool with you.But I didn’t go, because my thighs are kind of big right now and I hadn’t shaved. I drove by and saw you by the pool with your eyes closed warming up from the sun, and I wondered if you were thinking about our conversation, and how nice it would be to push your fingers down my panties. 


Permalink